When someone you know gets a serious diagnosis like cancer or is going through medical treatments, it's natural to want to help. But people on the outside don't always know what to offer. You may worry about not saying or doing the right thing.
Despite those fears, it's important to let your friend know you're there.
Jenny J. Rand, R.N., a breast cancer survivor and Mayo Clinic nurse, says, "If you're the friend or family, make sure you offer — because going through a serious medical condition is lonely."
What each person needs or wants will vary, but members of Mayo Clinic Connect — an online community where people discuss health conditions and offer support — have shared the things they found most helpful. Here's what they want their loved ones to understand.
They might not want help right now
If the person you're trying to help says "thank you for the offer, but …," respect that they don't need or want help at that moment. But that doesn't mean they'll never want help.
"I just don't want company when I don't feel well or don't need it," says Sam, a Connect member. "It's nice to know that [friends] offer to help. I just wish they'd wait until I ask."
It can be uncomfortable to have visitors when you're not feeling well, Connect members say. Some preferred to hire help or order grocery delivery because hired help does the task and leaves. Meanwhile, friends and family might linger and want to talk.
What you can do: Let your loved one lead. Ask what kind of help would be best — and when it would be best. Maybe it's cleaning the kitchen while they're at a chemo appointment. Or maybe it's raking the leaves on a Saturday morning and letting them decide if they want to pop outside to say hello.
They appreciate the offer
Offers of support — even when they're not accepted — don't go unnoticed.
Rand, the breast cancer survivor and Mayo Clinic nurse, says she still remembers which friends offered help during her illness. In fact, she was surprised that some people she didn't know that well reached out more than some of her closest friends.
"I had friends that sent me a card every single week, just saying, 'Hey, we're here,' " she says. "And it made me more likely to reach out when I did need help because I knew they were taking that time."
What you can do: Reach out, even if it's just with a quick text or card. Simply showing your support can go a long way.
They might not know what they need
When someone is diagnosed with a serious illness, the next weeks and months can feel overwhelming and confusing, or like the world has turned upside down. Especially early in the process, the person just may not know what would be helpful, Rand says.
"People would ask what we needed, and we didn't know what we needed," she says. "We had no idea. So it was difficult to ask for help or to accept it."
What you can do: Let your loved one know that you're making an open-ended offer, available when it's needed. You also might offer specific gifts like a ride to treatment, babysitting or a grocery run.
They want you to follow through
It's common for people to say, "let me know how I can help" or "call me if you need me."
But it can be hard for some people to ask for that help, or to remember who offered. And several Connect members shared that when they later called on people who'd offered help, they didn't get a response, or the person was not able to help.
For a lot of people, asking for help is difficult. So to be denied when they needed help was hurtful. It felt like an empty promise.
What you can do: Keep in touch. Check in regularly with offers to help. And only offer what you're able to do. For instance, if you're not comfortable cleaning wounds or babysitting, you can make that clear.
Casseroles aren't always the answer
A homemade casserole is one way people are taught to show support, but it isn't always helpful. People going through treatments like chemotherapy might not have a big appetite or might need to follow a specific diet. Sometimes those casseroles pile up and get thrown out.
Meal trains — where loved ones sign up to bring a meal for the family on a specific day — can be a good option. But for some recipients, it can feel like a lot of work. They have to arrange a time for the drop-off, greet the person who made the meal and then keep track of which dish belongs to which person.
Connect member Lynne appreciated friends who brought homemade frozen meals like burritos and breakfast sandwiches all at once. The meals were labeled and packed in disposable containers. That way the family could pull out something that sounded good when they needed it.
What you can do: If you're dropping off a meal, ask if your loved one is craving anything specific and when they'd prefer the drop-off. Also ask if your loved one would like you to leave it at the door or ring the bell for a direct handoff. Gift cards for food delivery and offers to pick up a few things while you're at the store also might be helpful.
They want you to keep checking in
When news of a diagnosis breaks, friends and family are often eager to help. But sometimes your loved one needs support months or even years later.
"When I get a contact from someone who says 'Hey, just wondering how you're doing,' it makes my day," says Scott, a Connect member.
What you can do: Keep checking in. You can even set a weekly reminder on your calendar if you're afraid it'll slip your mind.
They might not want you to share research
People who are going through treatment for a medical condition are probably already doing their own research and working with specialists. They might need a break from talking about their diagnosis.
What you can do: Before sharing about that new treatment you saw online, ask if your loved one wants to hear about it. Be prepared to respect your loved one's wishes, and discuss sports, a television show or anything else if your loved one declines.