Coming together as a family to make decisions about a loved one's care can be a challenge. Some families may not share a close bond. Adult siblings might have long-standing disagreements or live too far apart for regular communication.
Even close-knit families can have trouble agreeing on complex health decisions, like whether an aging parent is safe at home or how to share responsibility for a loved one's care.
That's why Mayo Clinic experts recommend bringing in a social worker for these tough conversations.
"I love working with families," says Britt A. Roulette, L.G.S.W., M.S.W., a social worker at Mayo Clinic. "Sometimes family dynamics can be intense. But it's still possible to come together and best support the person you care about or feel responsible for."
To make decisions as a family that everyone feels good about, here's what Roulette recommends.
Give everyone a chance to speak
Instead of having a discussion free-for-all, make time for each person to talk without interruption. You might set a rule that each person can only speak when holding an object that gets passed around. Or you might set a timer and give each person 5 minutes to share concerns.
And when it's not your turn to speak, make sure you're listening.
"It's important for everyone to be heard," says Roulette. "Often when people's emotions are high or they're angry, they're not able to listen well to others. But if everyone has an opportunity to voice concerns, you'll usually find there are common themes."
Set shared goals
Common themes are a good place to start when deciding on next steps. For example, siblings may disagree on where their mother with dementia should live. But they also may all recognize the importance of keeping their mother with her cat, who soothes her agitation.
Social workers like Roulette can help identify these common themes and turn them into shared goals, like finding a memory care apartment that's pet friendly.
"Once you see that you have a common goal for this person, you can focus on the ways to best support them," says Roulette.
Spread out responsibilities
Even if a family member is eager to take charge of the situation, Roulette cautions against having one person do too much. This is especially true in caregiving.
"Caregiver burnout is a real thing," she says. "You don't have to front-load one person who wants to do it all. Over time, they're going to start to resent others."
A better plan is to create a list of tasks and responsibilities and spread them out so that everyone feels useful — and no one is overwhelmed.
Even loved ones who live far away can pitch in with long-distance duties like setting up meal deliveries or handling the bills. The earlier you can create a plan for sharing caregiving duties, the more helpful it will be.
Ask for help
While it's often rewarding to take on the responsibility of caregiving or decision-making for a loved one, it also can feel overwhelming at times. Still, many people don't want to ask for help.
But getting as much support as possible is important, says Roulette. If you're a caregiver, that could mean talking to your family about adjusting your responsibilities. Or you might ask friends to pitch in with tasks like sending mail or getting groceries.
Roulette also recommends finding a support group to talk to people outside of your family who are dealing with similar issues. A good virtual option is Mayo Clinic Connect, an online community that connects people who are dealing with various health issues.
"Asking for help is actually a sign of strength and courage," says Roulette. "Not enough people know that."