Taking care of someone who needs you can be incredibly meaningful. It can also be hard. Really hard.
Watching someone you're close to deal with pain and loss of function can bring on a slew of different emotions. Sadness, stress, anger, guilt and frustration are just the start, and they make it easy for negative thoughts to spiral.
You're not alone. Falling into negative thought patterns is common. But even if you don't say it out loud, what goes on in your brain matters. It can affect your physical and mental health, as well as your ability to take care of others.
Luckily there are things you can do to take control. Here's where to start.
Step 1: Put on your own oxygen mask first
When you put so much time and effort into taking care of someone else, it can be hard to put your own mental and physical health first. Research shows that caregivers are more likely to skip health screenings, skimp on sleep and not get enough exercise. And caregivers who are often stressed have a higher risk of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
Put together, that's a recipe for rumination — repetitive thinking about the dark things in your life. Getting stuck in that loop can affect the problem-solving skills you need to handle the complicated situations you face. Plus it's one more factor that raises your risk of depression.
Consider this your wake-up call: You're in charge. Ask yourself when you last saw your own doctor, got your teeth cleaned or exercised. If you've been slipping on self-care, you can start small to get back on track. Take a walk. Go to bed on time. Schedule coffee with a good friend.
Step 2: Practice positivity
You might think you can't control the thoughts that come into your head. But with some practice, you can interrupt negative thoughts before they have the chance to make you feel powerless. Then you can problem-solve instead of worry. Some techniques to try:
Breathe. When you catch yourself focusing on a worry, a perceived flaw or anything negative that's not helping you, take 30 seconds to breathe deeply. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing. Try letting those thoughts pass through your mind without judgment.
Talk back to the voice in your head. Once you're not ignoring your thoughts, you can look at them more clearly. If your brain says "I'm not doing enough," try to respond to yourself the way you would to a friend. Write out these alternate, more-flexible thoughts. Keep them on a note card or take a picture of them on your phone. With practice, these new thoughts can start to stick — and even become automatic.
Take a walk. Notice what's around you. What do you hear, smell and see? Focusing your thoughts on the present moment can break you out of a negative thinking spiral and refresh you. Plus, exercise is known to boost your mood and reduce anxiety.
Step 3: Make time for you
Negative thoughts can be a sign that you're overwhelmed and need a break. Sometimes we all need a reminder: Carving out time that's just yours isn't selfish. It's healthy. And it can help make room for positive thoughts.
You-time might feel impossible when you're in the thick of focusing on taking care of other people. But it's not.
Don't try to do it all. Overworked? Try delegating. Respite care services are there to help you take a break. And friends and family can pitch in, too. Many may just not know what would be helpful.
Schedule fun. A night with your friends. An art class. A basketball game. Whatever you love doing, put it on the calendar. Your passions and friendships are important. Making time once a week is a good goal.
Join a support group. Most people in the U.S. will take care of a loved one at some point in their lives. Finding people with a shared experience can give you the space to process your feelings, learn some new ideas, and maybe even make new friends.
Check in with your own doctor. If you or your loved ones notice signs of depression or another mood disorder, ask for help. Chronic stress and depression are treatable, and your health care team can help you find the care you need.