When you're recovering from medical treatments or procedures like chemotherapy and surgery, friends and family might be eager to help. They may offer to stop over with groceries, meals or even just to talk.
But it's reasonable if you want some privacy. You might not feel comfortable answering questions about your health while accepting a plate of muffins.
So how do you show gratitude while declining help? Members of Mayo Clinic Connect, an online community where people discuss health conditions and offer support, share how they've handled these situations.
Be clear
When you say "no, thank you" to someone's offer, they may think you're sparing their feelings or trying not to be a burden. So they might try harder to insist that you accept their help. Be clear when telling loved ones how you're feeling. And know that you don't have to accept offers that feel draining to you.
Mayo Clinic Connect member JK recommends saying something like, "You're very dear to me, and I appreciate your offer to come over, but that won't work for me. I'll feel compelled to clean the house. And please don't tell me I don't have to — the point is that I'll feel compelled."
Jennifer J. Rand, R.N., a breast cancer survivor and nurse at Mayo Clinic, says she appreciated friends who offered help. And she was honest when she didn't want it.
"If I truly didn't want company, I'd tell them," she says. "I think that if you have friends who are close, you should be able to tell them that you're just not up for company. So go ahead and say no."
Put them on the list
Creating a list of helpers can make it easier for you to call on people when you need them. Mayo Clinic Connect member Miriam found it helpful to put people on committees based on their strengths and how comfortable she was with them.
If you don't want co-workers to see you in your pajamas, for example, you wouldn't put them on the daily help committee. Instead, tell them they're on the reading committee and you'd like them to send suggestions of books or articles (not pertaining to your diagnosis) to read. Or tell them they're on the ride committee and you'll call when you need them.
Ask your caregivers what they need
The people closest to you often become the ones attending medical appointments with you, picking up medicine, or taking on more household or income-earning responsibility. Those folks could use a break sometimes.
It can be helpful to let other friends and family bring your primary caregivers lunch, send supportive messages or sit with you while your primary caregivers go out for a few hours.
Let them help
Even when it's uncomfortable, sometimes it's best just to take help. Mayo Clinic Connect member Lynne learned this when a Girl Scout troop "adopted" her family one Christmas.
"They delivered a tree and gifts for our kids. It was hard to accept, but as I saw their faces when I crawled out of bed to thank them — the care and compassion they were being taught will help them support others. Sometimes allowing people to help is more for them than us."
But you also can be specific about what you need. For instance, you could ask friends to pick up a few things the next time they're at the grocery store or let them call others with updates so that you don't have to. They might be able to help in a way that benefits both of you.
Thank them
Whether you accept help or not, thank friends and family for their thoughtfulness. A thank you makes them feel appreciated for offering help. And sometimes that's all you need to say.
"I always make sure to thank them warmly," wrote Lynne.