How to talk to your kids about cancer

Deciding when and what to tell your kids about a cancer diagnosis is hard, whether the person with cancer is you, your spouse, a grandparent or someone else your children are close to.

But to cope with the changes that come with cancer, your kids need information and the chance to process with you.

How much you tell and the type of information you share might depend on your kids' ages, what they want to know and how much detail you're comfortable sharing. But the guiding rules are the same for children of all ages: Explain the diagnosis in an age appropriate way that each child will understand and that will help prepare them for how their lives might change.

Here's what every child needs to know:

1. The basics. Start with the type of cancer and how it will be treated. You can share more later as your child has questions.
2. How their lives will change in the short term. Maybe someone else will pick them up from school when you're at the doctor's. Or they'll need to help out extra around grandma's house as she goes through treatment. Explaining the plan lets your kids know you're always looking out for their needs, even as things change.
3. That you're being honest with them. You don't have to tell every detail, but your kids need to know that you'll share the important stuff going forward. It's okay to acknowledge that it's scary, and that you don't know what's going to happen. Most importantly, you will continue to give them updates and be transparent.
4. That their feelings are okay. Children who are close to someone with cancer often feel ashamed of their reactions and feelings. Let them know that everyone in the family might respond differently to the diagnosis, and that's okay.
5. That they can talk about it. Asking "Do you have any questions right now?" is a good first step. They might not have the words right away, but they need to know you're there. Encourage them to talk to you or other adults like family members, teachers or counselors about their worries and feelings.

Wanting to delay the conversation is normal. You want to protect your kids. But even very young children can sense when something is wrong. And knowing how and why their lives are changing is important for their adjustment.

So take some time to figure out what you'd like to tell your kids, how you'll open the conversation and how you'll invite them to talk further with you about it. Then, if you can, find a place where you won't be disturbed and make time to answer questions and process feelings.

The first conversation about a cancer diagnosis is just the beginning, and it doesn't have to be perfect. It can be the start of many more. Remind your children that most cancers can be treated, and many people do well after treatment. Remember to be patient with yourself and your kids as you process together.